“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
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boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Sing it!
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company