Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.

How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop

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If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.


Can’t believe I’m still writing “-oslovakian” on all my Czechs.


Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.


*notices it’s not even 8am*nn*been tweeting like a boss…*nn*…to 5 insomniacs*


Whenever I lose a follower I assume they died and the family had the account removed, because hello! I’m amazing!!


“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians


Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right


“In this household, there are parents trying to get their kids out of the house in the morning. These are their stories.”

Law and Order: Missing Shoe


[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”