Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
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I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Ion see the issue
Hey I worked for it too!
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
*gets down on one knee*
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.