son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
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Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
This meeting could have been a cake
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.