son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!

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This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead


Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.


[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]


That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”


“guns don’t kill people, guns CREATE people!”
*fires 10 newborn babies out of a bazooka*


me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance


Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here


Teach your kids cursive and they won’t get copied from in school.


I stay in shape by drinking lots of water during the day and exercising by walking to and from the bathroom forty times at night.