I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
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I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Pat is about to own someone
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Namaste
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.