Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

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mugger: act cool and you wont get hurt

me: *two thumbs up* Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

mugger: you know what, here’s your wallet back


CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too


[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]


Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.


My neighbour’s dog wants you to know that bicycles are the devil’s tools or at least that’s the best I could discern his message.


ME: I’m a moron and an idiot and no one likes me and I’m alone and I ruin everything in my life

RAP BATTLE OPPONENT: Dude I’m the one who’s supposed to insult you


The best thing to do on New Years Eve is set the microwave timer with the countdown so the first thing that happens that year is Pizza Rolls


Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”


Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.


9 just scolded me at the grocery for buying wine.
I told him it was ok, I was 21 to which he loudly responded, Nooo, you’re 38.

Thanks son.