@LaLuchaNix

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

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@NiallOfficial

Apparently you can’t have a normal conversation with someone these days if you haven’t seen ‘game of thrones’ or ‘stranger things’

@DurtMcHurtt

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

@DaddyJew

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

@Shen_the_Bird

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

@Wenderella22

Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bullet proof vest

@sannewman

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.