And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT??
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
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Apparently you can’t have a normal conversation with someone these days if you haven’t seen ‘game of thrones’ or ‘stranger things’
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
the goat of all dad jokes
Ancient Egyptian toilet paper
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bullet proof vest
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.