Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
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ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
this is what they would have looked like, though
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles