Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
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[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you