Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
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I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.