Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
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Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
What
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Follow me for more fitness tips.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
absolute chaos
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Bless you
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.