Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
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The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety