@cellapaz

Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?

Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*

Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.

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@delasoulless

Faster! Faster! Faster! Don’t stop! Almost there!Yes! YESSSS! -me trying to get everyone through the traffic light.

@missekay

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

@ThisOneSayz

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

@emmkaff

Scientists: Don’t freak out about Ebola.
Everyone: *Panic!*

Scientists: Freak out about climate change.
Everyone: LOL! Pass me some coal.

@SveldtSmelt

I like to eat a handful of paperclips right before I walk through a metal detector cuz I got all day, pal.

@blade_funner

You people and your Duck Tales. I was raised on real cartoons about nosy hippies in a sketchy van who were so high they thought their dog could talk.

@Tommytoughstuff

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

@TweetPotato314

Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.

Boss: Need a new battery?

Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.

@JayMindX

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.