This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
You Might Also Like
Faster! Faster! Faster! Don’t stop! Almost there!Yes! YESSSS! -me trying to get everyone through the traffic light.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Scientists: Don’t freak out about Ebola.
Scientists: Freak out about climate change.
Everyone: LOL! Pass me some coal.
I like to eat a handful of paperclips right before I walk through a metal detector cuz I got all day, pal.
You people and your Duck Tales. I was raised on real cartoons about nosy hippies in a sketchy van who were so high they thought their dog could talk.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.