SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
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[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
why isn’t he texting back
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.