Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
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Software Development ⛵️
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
😂💯
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
“What movie?” 🤔
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures