So, are you a sub? *he looks into my eyes*
What do you mean, like a sandwich?
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
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There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
My daughter can just cut and paste into google translate to do her French homework, and she learns nothing. When I was her age I had to learn nothing the hard way.
Me: *standing naked in front of the doctor
Doctor: Ma’am, I just meant to take your socks off. I’m a podiatrist.
Dear girls that go tanning, it’s called ‘sunkissed’, it’s not called ‘dorito raped’.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.