If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
You Might Also Like
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
“Head or tail?”
Her: That’s not how this works!
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Me: ur husbands dead
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Checking my lotto numbers makes me forget everything I know about probability, and gives me a temporary belief in the power of prayer.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.