@GrantTanaka

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

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@QueefTornado

She died doing what she loved best, making toast in the bathtub.

@mommajessiec

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

@ElgatoEsmio

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

@HatfieldAnne

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

@fanofhell

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

@cakickboxher

Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?

@Mr_Kapowski

*runs into dental hygienist in store*

Me: How are you?

Her: *starts to respond but I shove my fingers in her mouth*

Me: Not so easy huh