She died doing what she loved best, making toast in the bathtub.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
me: not that this helps you
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
me: …an aquatic sea animal
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
me: please go away
You Might Also Like
Reasons people get divorced:
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
thanks auntie mary
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Only Americans understand
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
*runs into dental hygienist in store*
Me: How are you?
Her: *starts to respond but I shove my fingers in her mouth*
Me: Not so easy huh