@ThugRaccoons

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?

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@outsmartedmommy

The doctor told me I need to rest so I dropped the kids off at his office & now he won’t stop calling me as if that’s going to help me rest.

@DaddysinCharge

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

@joeljeffrey

I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur. Needless to say, my gorgonzola salad was a huge let down.

@mommajessiec

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

@steveolivas

I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.

@Brampersandon_

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

@SarcasticCharm

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.

@Book_Krazy

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT