I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
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The doctor told me I need to rest so I dropped the kids off at his office & now he won’t stop calling me as if that’s going to help me rest.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur. Needless to say, my gorgonzola salad was a huge let down.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @