Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
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let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
I put the mess in domestic.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?