Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
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Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Mhm.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I already tried new things thanks.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
How your email finds me
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan