My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
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When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Fun DIY Project Even YOU Can Do
Step 1: Flip over empty wine bottle
Step 2: Use base as weapon
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
whn someone is like “Queen i love ur tweets” i’m like wowwww…we need comprehensive mental healthcare in this country
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
If Dracula saw Twilight, he’d stake himself.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]