@MichaelTrying

Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.

You Might Also Like

@rebbeckles

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

@Adar79Angie

When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.

@MUMSIEesq

Fun DIY Project Even YOU Can Do
Step 1: Flip over empty wine bottle
Step 2: Use base as weapon

@Kids_kubed

When a mom hears the words

“Mom, don’t be mad…”

We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.

@freshhel

whn someone is like “Queen i love ur tweets” i’m like wowwww…we need comprehensive mental healthcare in this country

@climaxximus

wife: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i’m a chameleon

wife: no you’re not

me: I can change I swear

@iwearaonesie

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

@jellybnbonanza

My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.

@pleatedjeans

[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]