Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
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I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.