@Aikiwomannc

Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.

[later]

Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.

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@Dank_Pal

“And for our next lesson, we’ll learn how to roll a blunt, or un cigarrillo marijuana”
– Rosetta Stoned

@bea_ker

[2025]

Dad, Mum, this is my girlfriend. You might recognise her, she used to be quite famous

*the laugh-cry emoji steps forward shyly*

@HenpeckedHal

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

@ElgatoEsmio

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

@Lexiedeadpool

That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat…

@lolajxx

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

@VisionBored1

I am at my most old Italian man when I buy something that tastes awful from Costco but eat it all anyway because I paid good money for that and we don’t waste food in this house

@Fazio_N

You’ve been robbed by *360 spin*
A smooooth crimi- *trips over own feet, drops tv, & butt dials police*

@truegritrumble

(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.