Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”

Me: “that’s a goat.”

Son: “Why?”

Me: …

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I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.


ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and


i was just about to ramp my car off a cliff into the ocean but then i remembered someone had told me to drive safe earlier


Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.


For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.

When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.


Nothing terrifies me more than hearing, “Mommy close your eyes I have a present.”


Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one


No YOU’RE the stalker.

(I write on your work bathroom mirror in blood)


Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman