@abuya_henry

Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”

Me: “that’s a goat.”

Son: “Why?”

Me: …

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@thisislizz

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

@Holy_Mowgli

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

@wolfpupy

i was just about to ramp my car off a cliff into the ocean but then i remembered someone had told me to drive safe earlier

@Reverend_Scott

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

@Steelers1972

For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.

When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.

@mishakey

Nothing terrifies me more than hearing, “Mommy close your eyes I have a present.”

@AndyJokedAgain

Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one

@xhellwifex

No YOU’RE the stalker.

(I write on your work bathroom mirror in blood)

@LeslieInMpls

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman