Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Son: room’s clean
Me: u better not have thrown everything in ur closet
S: I didnt
M:*checks* nice, but wheres everything
S: in ur closet
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Doctor: you gotta cut back on the drinking
Me: but why?
D:*lifts up x-ray* says here your liver has officially been sponsored by Grey Goose
This anagram machine is out of order.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
That awkward moment when you’re scuba diving and you see adele rolling in the deep.
A hot mess? No, thanks. Sounds sticky and uncomfortable. I prefer my messes like I prefer my revenge: cold and served to someone else.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)