@DaddyJew

Son: room’s clean

Me: u better not have thrown everything in ur closet

S: I didnt

M:*checks* nice, but wheres everything

S: in ur closet

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@simoncholland

Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.

@DaddyJew

Doctor: you gotta cut back on the drinking
Me: but why?
D:*lifts up x-ray* says here your liver has officially been sponsored by Grey Goose

@Blarebare

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

@iQuoteComedy

That awkward moment when you’re scuba diving and you see adele rolling in the deep.

@MartaEffing

A hot mess? No, thanks. Sounds sticky and uncomfortable. I prefer my messes like I prefer my revenge: cold and served to someone else.

@peterjames48

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

@man_in_radiator

My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.

@DomesticGoddss

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*

[30 min later]

Wife: …where is he?

Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)