[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
You Might Also Like
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.