son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
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Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Breaking news:
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?