[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
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Good morning
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
sigh
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Dishonest mechanic?
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.