[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
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A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
The Friday File.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope