All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
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[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
😜
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”