Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
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Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.