Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
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Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.