*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
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Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Jesus Christ lmao
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client