Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
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WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip