Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
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the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
the simulation is moving too fast
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.