Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
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If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you