@briangaar

Son, that bear is more afraid of you than you are of … oh wow, that bear is being really brave right now.

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@RedRegenerated

me: *having prostate examination*

doc: omg, when was this last wiped?

me: WHAT

doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady

@angeliav68

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

@Darlainky

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.

@Lisabug74

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

@jakefromstfarm3

When I was a kid I made all of my toys watch Toy Story so that they knew I was on to them.

@Probgoblin

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.

@3sunzzz

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

@CourtneyBale

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.