I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
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me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites