Day 1: injected self with mouse DNA
Day 2: ate 12 blocks of cheese
Day 3: 15 blocks
Day 4: experiment is failure; no observable changes
Son, that bear is more afraid of you than you are of … oh wow, that bear is being really brave right now.
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I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
WHEN DO WE STOP COUNTING BACKWARDS I’M AT LIKE NEGATIVE 42,360
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
The most stable relationship I’ve had is with a guy at the gym who has no idea we’ve been dating for the past year.
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Dance like you’re not the father