so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
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Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Her: Hello, Sex Addict Hotline
Me: Help please
Her: Ok sir. Let’s take some breaths. Deep. Slow. In and out
Me: THIS ISN’T HELPING
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
“Grow a pear.” – How to insult an apple tree
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.