SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
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You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”