Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
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Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
This story is comedy gold 😂
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.