@gruffybeard

Son: The landscapers almost hit me with their truck.

Dad: So you’re saying they almost…

Mom: Don’t do it!

Dad: …mowed you down.

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@Holy_Mowgli

INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it

@YesitsAl

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now

@TastyTuneTweets

Go ahead lady, call the cops. I have witnesses that say your toddler started it.

@PhuckinCody

“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins

@itsNLEChoppa

girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade level. he’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. give him a second.

@WilliamAder

Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?

@Rollinintheseat

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

@DanMentos

“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”

@boring_as_heck

[dumps gatorade on coach after losing the big game] we know how much you hate gatorade you piece of shit