Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
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Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.