Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.

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Don’t force funny huh?

Well, I have funny tied to a chair in my basement and…unless we become fast friends…

…he’s losing a knee cap.


People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!


Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine


It’s nice to know that even people who are running for President are shitty at answering “What is your greatest weakness?”


[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come


Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.


I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.


I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end