Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
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-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
When your man makes a valid point
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
bought wrong eggs
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.