I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Son, there’s only one thing in life to fear.
[Car full of bears with machine guns drives by]
Son, there are only two things in life to fear.
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Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
me: [under my breath] ? ???’? ??????? ???? ????
me: omg thank you