@theroneman

Son, there’s only one thing in life to fear.
[Car full of bears with machine guns drives by]
Son, there are only two things in life to fear.

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@Fickle_Filly

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

@Browtweaten

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

@ItsAndyRyan

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.

@graceupongracie

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

@JohnLyonTweets

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

@Angibangie

Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…

@Brocklesnitch

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

@climaxximus

[courtroom]

me: [under my breath] ? ???’? ??????? ???? ????

judge: pardon?

me: omg thank you