me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
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Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.