Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
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Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers