Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two

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I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.


“So You’ve Been Drinking and Think You Can Dance” now that’s a reality show I would watch.


4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.


Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.


How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?


Officer: You drinking?
Me: You buying?

Oh how we laughed and laughed….

PS: I need bail money.


They say “confidence” is the most attractive quality in a partner. But I’d have to say “not banging my friends” would be a very close 2nd


Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista


Yo mama so dumb she tried to minimize a 9 variable function to a sum of products wit a karnaugh map instead of the Quine-McCluskey Algorithm