@Just_Beachy72

Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two

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@LostFelicia

I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.

@Halbeerz

“So You’ve Been Drinking and Think You Can Dance” now that’s a reality show I would watch.

@3sunzzz

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

@DrakeGatsby

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

@LackOfShame

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

@troublewinks

Officer: You drinking?
Me: You buying?

Oh how we laughed and laughed….

PS: I need bail money.

@SeanEmeny

They say “confidence” is the most attractive quality in a partner. But I’d have to say “not banging my friends” would be a very close 2nd

@Darlainky

Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista

@yaboybillnye

Yo mama so dumb she tried to minimize a 9 variable function to a sum of products wit a karnaugh map instead of the Quine-McCluskey Algorithm