Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
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Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣