*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
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When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
moms in horror movies