Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a pear-shaped woman’s body
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
You Might Also Like
Girls love when you hug them from behind and whisper sweet nothings in their ears. Strangers, not so much.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!