@Kids_kubed

(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)

9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?

Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm

9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)

Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?

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@meganamram

Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a pear-shaped woman’s body

@SergioValenCo

Girls love when you hug them from behind and whisper sweet nothings in their ears. Strangers, not so much.

@ShortSleeveSuit

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

@MoosePunch

“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!

@Diversion50

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

@SirEviscerate

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

@GrantTanaka

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

@Skoogeth

Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed

@Marlebean

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!