@longwall26

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

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@13spencer

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?

@_ElvishPresley_

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

@rage_chaos

You think you’re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.

@GrumpyBahr

Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.

Me: *hands him my underwear*

Dr:……

Me: Its all there.

@MarriageMartini

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

@FunnyBison

DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

@kevinseccia

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

@MomOnFire

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

@GavsonNZ

To the account who followed me while I slept and then unfollowed me before I woke.

My apologies for taking a break. It won’t happen again!