@longwall26

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

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@LeeMifsud

Me and my gf always laugh at how competitive we are but I laugh more.

@itsWillyFerrell

My poem: I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig.
It’s not a very good poem, but it’s very deep.

@GuyConfused

Love my pillow so much because it doesn’t leave my house in the morning after spending the night with me.

@JeffisTallguy

Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?

@JJSummertime

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

@AimeeHelene1

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

@itsAndoh

Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.

Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein

@JustMeTurtle

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

@truegritrumble

WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*