Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
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My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?