Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

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Me and my gf always laugh at how competitive we are but I laugh more.


My poem: I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig.
It’s not a very good poem, but it’s very deep.


Love my pillow so much because it doesn’t leave my house in the morning after spending the night with me.


Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?


I thought you said gin.
Either way, make mine a double.


I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.


Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.

Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein


A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five


WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*