Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

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One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.


ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?


Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman


You think you’re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.


Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.

Me: *hands him my underwear*


Me: Its all there.


If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.


DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?


I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.


Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?


To the account who followed me while I slept and then unfollowed me before I woke.

My apologies for taking a break. It won’t happen again!