Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
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I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
i actually laughed 😩
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
doing your own taxes
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude