Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?

Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.

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Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.


Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.


Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?


Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver


“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”


This could be the LSD talking, but I’m pretty sure I’d be more comfortable riding on the roof of the car.


Me: You put the “cow” in “coworker”
Her: Excuse me??
Me: It’s a joke format.
Her: I’m telling HR..
Me: Ok but I doubt they’ll get it either.


I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit