Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
You Might Also Like
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to