Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
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Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Children of the corn 🌽
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station