Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

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*job interview*
so tell me a fun fact about yourself

Guy: well when I was 5 I fell into the Cincinnati Zoo gorilla exh-

get the hell out


Dryer settings:
– not the least bit dry
– shrunk to barely fit 12 yr old you


The premise of Batman is that, deep down, all billionaires just want to be first-year patrol cops


Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole


FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor


HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine


When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.


Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron