Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

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The Lord moves in mysterious ways but you don’t have to. Please use your blinker.


*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.


*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*


[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago


Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.


If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!


My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.


My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat