@david8hughes

Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet

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@Bob_Heller

Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.

And sorry about your neck hole.

@Mashby811

I think I have a sleeping disorder.

It’s called children

@thetits

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

@ItsAndyRyan

“Everyone has at least one novel inside them”
– Baffled airport security rectal examiner at the end of a long, confusing shift

@GermanFreckles

No, cough syrup, you’re not grape flavoured. Have you ever tasted a grape? You taste like death and the tears of small children, not grape.

@KattsDogma

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

@david8hughes

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

@dorsalstream

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

@NakedHangover

What I learned in college:

1. Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka.

2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.