Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
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I think I have a sleeping disorder.
It’s called children
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
“Everyone has at least one novel inside them”
– Baffled airport security rectal examiner at the end of a long, confusing shift
No, cough syrup, you’re not grape flavoured. Have you ever tasted a grape? You taste like death and the tears of small children, not grape.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
What I learned in college:
1. Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka.
2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.