Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
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*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”