@ThugRaccoons

Son: What is wrong with those people?

Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.

You Might Also Like

@nbadag

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

@ilovepie84

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

@Browtweaten

me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?

guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes

@thenatewolf

Capitalization can really change a sentence.

Example:

I love to eat candy.

I love to eat capitalization.

@KrazykurtKurt

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

@Xoolun

Been having a problem with diarrhea & its unbearable The doc said lemons will help I said I know but as soon as I take 1 out it starts again

@ShootyDoody

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

@Mom_Overboard

Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!