Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
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ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*