Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
You Might Also Like
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Capitalization can really change a sentence.
I love to eat candy.
I love to eat capitalization.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Been having a problem with diarrhea & its unbearable The doc said lemons will help I said I know but as soon as I take 1 out it starts again
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!