Son: What is wrong with those people?

Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.

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[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal


I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match


me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?

guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes


Capitalization can really change a sentence.


I love to eat candy.

I love to eat capitalization.


ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.


Been having a problem with diarrhea & its unbearable The doc said lemons will help I said I know but as soon as I take 1 out it starts again


Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.


Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!