Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
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Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I falcon love using swear birds
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably