SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?


DAD: You’re not a dog.

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*Trying to come up with the most romantic thing I could possibly say*

You’re like if my friend Brent was a girl.


Every time I’m at a friend’s house I look at the ceiling & say “You like to watch, don’t you..” so I look cool if they have a hidden spy cam


It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.


Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right.

Here I am stuck in the middle of this Batman themed children’s party.


*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”


[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.


I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.


[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone


1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.