*Trying to come up with the most romantic thing I could possibly say*
You’re like if my friend Brent was a girl.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
DAD: You’re not a dog.
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Every time I’m at a friend’s house I look at the ceiling & say “You like to watch, don’t you..” so I look cool if they have a hidden spy cam
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right.
Here I am stuck in the middle of this Batman themed children’s party.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Cats are just dogs who’ve been to drama school.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.