@Reverend_Scott

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.

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@thenatewolf

*Trying to come up with the most romantic thing I could possibly say*

You’re like if my friend Brent was a girl.

@SortaBad

Every time I’m at a friend’s house I look at the ceiling & say “You like to watch, don’t you..” so I look cool if they have a hidden spy cam

@HatfieldAnne

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

@Toofpick78

Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right.

Here I am stuck in the middle of this Batman themed children’s party.

@MarcusTheToken

*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

@MatCro

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.

@Stella1070

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

@platinum2000

[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone

@bluebonetbabies

1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.